I rolled into the "code zone" with the isolation rooms and the designated CPR room. Not a bad assignment if you're walking the Green Mile. All male patients, all valid complaints, no real worries. There was a screaming psych patient in the padded room that didn't like me too much. I don't know what I did, but sistapants did not like me. She was screaming at the crazy dude in the room next door until she saw me. Then she started screaming that she was "gonna jump off that motherfucking bridge until that short white bitch got involved." Ummm.... I was asleep when your crazy butt got brought in lady. As she was flailing and screaming in her room the crazy guy next door decided he was going to use his door as a punching bag. Conveniently, the security guard was down the hall talking to... well, we aren't really sure who he was talking to. Nice to know my safety is in this mall-cop-wannabe's hands.
My gold star for the night goes to a 95lb girl who was brought in for being "combative." I now think that combative was a bit of an understatement. "BAT-SHIT Crazy" may be a bit of an understatement as well. This chick was found in the projects, at 230am beating on her boyfriend's momma's door. She said she was looking for him, but he has been locked up in jail for the last 3 months. When PD showed up she went the hell off. She was throwing herself on the ground, growling, biting, spiting and kicking. She managed to get one of the cops in the groin and then bit the paramedic in the leg. 5mg of valium IM didn't touch her. When she came to me it took 7 cops, 3 special forces medics and 2 nurses to get her restrained on the bed. She then tried to headbutt the cop.... this would have been bad enough, but let me paint the mental picture. Long braids.... black and Oscar the Grouch green. I shit you not. Somehow in the fray several of her "soljahs" were ripped out leaving strands of green and black hair sticking straight up. It was definitely a sight to be seen. It took 2mg of ativan, 20mg of haldol and the super restraints to get her down for the count. Even then she was still cussing and thrashing 45 minutes later.
When the time came to road test her she had a cop on each arm and me from behind with a handful of PJ pants (yeah, did I mention she was in her jammies?) in one hand and an ammonia inhalant in the other. Every time she tried to stop or throw herself on the floor I pulled up on the pants, shoved the ammonia home and then dodges the donkey kick that came at me. I was very happy to sent her to lockup.
Finally a little old lady with a fever came in. She was cooking at 102.9 after a drain was removed 2 days ago. We were getting her into a gown when I noticed something wasn't quite right. She had on little old lady underwear... with the crotch completely gone! At 6am I just couldn't let this one go. "Honey, what happened to your drawers?" Her response...
"I just get to itchin', I guess I scratched it right out."
I know they made underwear without the crotch, just not Haynes Her Way!