Sunday, October 31, 2010

Hospital of Horror

Halloween Saturday night. Or at least the night that all of the locals go out to party. There was also some kind of Blood Birthday Celebration. (as in Bloods and Crips... its amazing the things we find out about) I expected wall to wall, non-stop insanity. Not so much. Almost a disappointment. Note I said almost. We weren't busy, thank GOD, but the insanity, yes, it was there.

I got a call in triage, not sure how in the hell this guy got the number, but there he was. gay, Gay, GAY on the phone, going off about a "hypothetical" hepatitis c situation. He wanted to know how long it would take for hep c to convert to full blown liver failure. He actually asked how long would it take for the morbidity and mortality to catch up, because I know its coming, I know it. It just hasn't gotten there yet. He also wanted to have this "hypothetical" person TDO'd because he/she had hep c and did not want treatment.  I could have hung up, I could have said no, but it was too damn funny. He wanted to know who the mental health judges were, since crisis is "only interested if you have insurance and they ain't coming to this neighborhood anyway." I mentioned the name of the only judge I knew and he got all excited and decided to 411 the judge's name and call him at home. Oh dear lord.

I think my favorite of the night was a patient brought in by ems. 21 year old college student dressed like a zombie, assaulted with a garden gnome by a guy in a pink bunny costume. Yeah, not making this shit up. Her nurse came up with a plan to cheer her up. (she really was a sweet kid) He googled pictures of various garden gnomes and printed them out. Then he brought the "lineup" into her so she could identify her attacker. She laughed hysterically as the nurse called out an APB for the gnome known as "Fat Bastard." Yes, I work with some special people.

Another drunk college kid didn't fare so well. He arrived with "Expensive-Private-University's finest" drunk as shit, covered with scratches and a broken nose. He also smelled like hay (not sure what the hell that was about). His story? The PD punched him in the nose. PD's story? He was shitfaced and staggered through some boxwoods before falling down concrete steps. I'm sure mommy and daddy are not going to like that phone call.

We had a pair of 16 year olds come in with the Department of Juvenile Justice. They both had pencil lead stuck in their urethras. It makes you wonder if one said, "hey look at this" and the other tried to outdo him. I'm just saying.....

A teenage mother got hauled out of pedes after getting her 23 month old high and eliciting an asthma attack. She was kicking and screaming the whole way out the door.

We didn't see too many costumes, but I threw on some (fake) pearls with my scrubs and went as one of our attendings who always wears them. Off tonight, no plans. I'm thinking pizza and Treehouse of Horror reruns might be exactly what this girl needs!


Blogger Cartoon Characters said...

I LOVED the gnome story!!! hilarious!!!

7:41 PM  
Blogger battynurse said...

Seriously, you can't make this shit up.
Love the gnome story too. I've heard of the pencil stuff before. Sounds so not fun.

1:09 AM  
Blogger justAlan said...

I'm just poking my head up into the sphere. So glad I found your blog. Good direct style.

5:45 AM  

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