The funny thing about firemen is... Night and day they are always firemen.
I would have to agree with that from a nursing perspective. I am a nurse whether I want to be or not. Its in my head, and its in my blood. Its not something I can magically turn off. My ability to size up a situation, act based on outcomes versus just react and the innate ability to separate from the situation in order to get things done is something that has become as much of me as my Buffett obsession and hate of the Yankees.
It is the ability to separate out that has my interest peaked. My grandfather died this week. He was 90. He survived colon cancer, several strokes and my bat-shit crazy (literally) family. His last stroke in January is the one that started the slide. He has been in and out of nursing homes and the hospital since then. I saw him 3 days before he died. He was still completely with it. My crazy aunt was hovering (as usual) and when he asked for coffee she said no. I said fuck that, got a mouth swab, soaked it in coffee and gave it to him. I also promised to bring him a little bottle of bourbon to spike the coffee when she wasn't looking. I ended my visit with a hug and by telling him that whenever he wanted to sleep to just do it, we would all be just fine. I didn't cry when I found out. I was relieved. I didn't cry at the memorial or the funeral..... because I know that this is what he wanted. My mom was destroyed (not her dad... but they were still close), my sisters cried non-stop and I was the freak who didn't cry. I will miss him, but I know deep down that this is ok. Maybe thats the nurse in me.....
It was mentioned somewhere that this is an "Angry" blog. That I am an angry nurse. Maybe sometimes I am. Looking at where I work and the situations that I deal with I think a moderate amount of anger is not unjustified. If you met me in the hospital would you think of me as the angry nurse? Probably not. In fact, the only people that put two and two together are the ones that know me exceptionally well. As I have said. This all began when I needed an outlet to help me vent before sleep. It was never meant to be anything more than that. I look back on the years and remember who I was and where I was going in my life. Its actually quite an accomplishment. So I will continue to remember the people, the patients and the crazy times. Back for Halloween weekend again. I wonder what the Great Pumpkin has in store this year?