ICU sucks

The last few nights have been very hard at work. The cops friend is doing very badly. Yesterday they had a family meeting to determine what will be done next. If he shows no signs of neurological improvement within the next 6 days(I've seen the CT, he won't) then the wife is going to withdraw care. She actually made him a DNR last night. Word must have gotten out because the guys were there all night last night. It was hard though, since they all seem to be confused about what this means. Some are doing ok. Others are inconsolable. I can't explain what it feel like to see these guys walk out of the room crying. To me, they are 10 feet tall and bulletproof. They are the guys who help keep the cop safe and bring him home to me every day. These are our friends and they are devastated.

Part of me just wants this to be over. I told the charge nurses that when they decide to withdraw, they need to make sure that I am not working. I don't think I can handle that. I really doubt that I can do a police funeral now that I am one of the wives, but I know that I will have to. Its hard because the cop is doing the detective thing now and I don't see him the way I used to. Its hard to sit and watch his friend dying, see the guys in tears and know that I won't see him for another 24 hours because he is out on a warrant sweep. This is just not something that I can do alone, and I feel like that's what I'm doing.

So I'm just trying to keep it together. I have a paper that was due Saturday that isn't done.... I just don't have it in me to do. What the fuck do I tell the teacher?

Sorry to ramble, feel free to skip my blog for the next few days.... I have a feeling that until this is over, my mood (and blogging) will be about the same.