I love my job!
Why do the freaks come out on holiday weekends? The day shift attending had the pleasure of pulling a blue sparkly vibrator out of some guy's butt. It had been there for 3 days! Dude didn't even want to keep it, so there it was in the dirty utility room in a plastic bag. I wanted to give it to one of the nurses who has been going through a dry spell, but that got vetoed.
When you are 19, sexually active enough to get PID and end up in the ER for it one would think that certain developmental milestones must have been achieved. This crazy bitch had diarrhea and was wearing a diaper. When she wanted to get up and go to the bathroom I figured that was a good thing. Time to step out of the Pamper and into the life of a toilet sitter. She stopped dead when we got to the bathroom to ask a very interesting question... is this an automatic flush toilet?
To the untrained observer I was calm and cool when I explained that I didn't care what type of toilet it was... as long as it worked. She FLAT REFUSED to use it. She was scared of the toilet! Seriously, scared of the fucking toilet! I stood there,in all the commotion and calmly explained that the toilet wasn't alive, couldn't hurt her and if it flushed her butt would get a little wet. I had to go into the bathroom with her (a practice that I don't normally do!) and try to get her to sit, not hover and have massive diarrhea all over the toilet. Because she was hovering the shit was going everywhere! Oh my aching ass.... I should have called in sick!
So, another Darwin nominee last night.... 29 years old, having sex with her significant other and the condom came off. She was worried that she might have been exposed to something so she called 911 and took an ambulance to the ER at 5am! Oh, did I mention that she thought he MIGHT have HIV? Oh, and she called the HIV hotline (this is per the patient!) and they told her to douche with bleach? This was not a small woman... and I had a very clear mental picture of her squatting with a bottle of Clorox up in the VaJayJay.
Memorial Day weekend, its warm, its beautiful, its a Saturday night. I'm working. Where are my skills best utilized??? Tonight.... back in motherfucking triage. I say again... I Love My Job! (hell at least I have one!)