Saturday, May 23, 2009


I have been lucky that my nights in charge have been hellacious on a minor level. Day shift gets things into such an uproar that it takes several hours just to chill them the fuck out! I walked in yesterday in charge of the Yellow ER. There were patients everywhere, we had been on diversion for 6 hours and the trauma light was already flashing. What I SHOULD have done was kept the Jeep on the highway and headed to the beach as fast as I could get there. There was a tubed ICU player in each zone and NO ICU beds in the house.

I love my job!

Why do the freaks come out on holiday weekends? The day shift attending had the pleasure of pulling a blue sparkly vibrator out of some guy's butt. It had been there for 3 days! Dude didn't even want to keep it, so there it was in the dirty utility room in a plastic bag. I wanted to give it to one of the nurses who has been going through a dry spell, but that got vetoed.

When you are 19, sexually active enough to get PID and end up in the ER for it one would think that certain developmental milestones must have been achieved. This crazy bitch had diarrhea and was wearing a diaper. When she wanted to get up and go to the bathroom I figured that was a good thing. Time to step out of the Pamper and into the life of a toilet sitter. She stopped dead when we got to the bathroom to ask a very interesting question... is this an automatic flush toilet?

To the untrained observer I was calm and cool when I explained that I didn't care what type of toilet it was... as long as it worked. She FLAT REFUSED to use it. She was scared of the toilet! Seriously, scared of the fucking toilet! I stood there,in all the commotion and calmly explained that the toilet wasn't alive, couldn't hurt her and if it flushed her butt would get a little wet. I had to go into the bathroom with her (a practice that I don't normally do!) and try to get her to sit, not hover and have massive diarrhea all over the toilet. Because she was hovering the shit was going everywhere! Oh my aching ass.... I should have called in sick!

So, another Darwin nominee last night.... 29 years old, having sex with her significant other and the condom came off. She was worried that she might have been exposed to something so she called 911 and took an ambulance to the ER at 5am! Oh, did I mention that she thought he MIGHT have HIV? Oh, and she called the HIV hotline (this is per the patient!) and they told her to douche with bleach? This was not a small woman... and I had a very clear mental picture of her squatting with a bottle of Clorox up in the VaJayJay.

Memorial Day weekend, its warm, its beautiful, its a Saturday night. I'm working. Where are my skills best utilized??? Tonight.... back in motherfucking triage. I say again... I Love My Job! (hell at least I have one!)


Blogger mojitogirl said...

LMAO!!!! LMAO!!!!! LMAO!!!!!

You should write screenplays and TV pilots-you'd make a million, bejillion bucks and drive off in your Jeep.... chauffered of course!

5:02 PM  
Blogger One Nurse said...

This totally made me crack up!! You have had some hell nights no doubt! I agree with mojitogirl, you should be followed by a camera crew!
Don't you just hate it when the crazy people come out? I think they have been out all week at my hospital!

1:49 AM  
Blogger battynurse said...

I love your stories. They always totally crack me up.

2:47 AM  

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