Grasshopper

I am orienting a new grad. She was a patient care tech in the department for about a year and I always thought she was pretty awesome. When I found out she was going to be an RN with us I was excited for about 30 seconds... then I realized that she has such great potential and would probably be ruined by some lazy twat and turned into a cookie cutter nurse. Kind of like the kids in the Pink Floyd video... The Wall.  How you are oriented makes such a difference in the type of nurse you become. So after a few minutes of thought I decided to ask to be her preceptor. She had been assigned a pretty decent day shift nurse so I didn't want night shift to fuck her up. Did I mention I haven't oriented anyone before? 11 years and they never asked.

So I call her my little Grasshopper. She is smart, motivated, young (21) and funny as hell to work with. She did a lot of fundamentals on day shift and with me is working on critical thinking and ICU patients. We have "Teaching Turds" which are little nuggets of information that you learn and hang on to.

Teaching Turd #1: Nothing good comes from the bus station!
Teaching Turd #2: Mr. B ALWAYS has bedbugs. Decon him first, ask questions later.

Our first night together we had a great neuro patient who had two emergent burr holes placed. We also worked a code and then Mr B showed up. When we took his shirt off all I saw was bedbugs and eggs. He is so old and so crazy that he thought the bugs were just dry skin. So we gowned up and stripped the old guy down, bagged his things and took them outside. Then we had to take him into the decon shower. You would think getting hosed down by 2 cute nurses would be a dream come true.... but he howled...and I mean HOWLED like a cat in the tub the whole time. This man had bugs everywhere you could think of.

Once he was clean we offered him sweats and a t shirt from our Forensic stash. He was mad that we trashed his not-so-tighty and VERY not-so-whities... so Grasshopper offered him all we had.... women's underpants!

I knew I liked this girl!

I think she will be fantastic. Its like having a little me running around (God Help the ER).

BEAT

Have you ever met someone who just deserved to get their ass beat? I mean seriously, legitimately BEAT. I met that girl last night. Actually, she got her ass beat a week ago. She was at "da club" and a fight broke out and somehow she was beat over the head with high heeled shoes. Now I know when men fight it is all elbows and fists flying. I don't see the cobbler's elves flying across the top rope to beat up on some poor girl with a Jimmy Choo. This girl was mean and nasty.... and that was sober! I can't imagine how she behaved drunk. She wanted her CT done, since she eloped last week before her scan. She also wanted all (and she means ALL) of her records so she can sue the club and the owners. She was also angry because when the resident went to sew the laceration to her head, he had to cut loose some of her weave tracks. So now she wants to speak to patient relations about having the hospital pay to have her weave removed and replaced, since we ruined it.

All the while, I sat behind my bullet resistant glass, smiling my smile and realizing that tomorrow I will be off, home and have a glass of wine.... she will still be the bitch who got beat with the cheap-o high heeled shoe!

Little Nurse Lost

Years have gone by... my fault I know. Not sure why I decided to pick this up again. Maybe because there was something missing in my day to day life. Maybe I need the outlet to sleep well again. Maybe I just missed the opportunity to just vent to the stratosphere.

I am unfortunately, still planted with feet firmly in the ground. Several flight interviews down, still no job. Working full time at MECCA as charge, trauma, triage, pedes (yup, still baby hell) and orienting a new grad to boot. The hospital has expressly forbidden any social media mention (following a less than delicate post about a fucktarded surgery resident about 6 months ago). Fortunately I had luck and the truth on my side... he really is a fucktard, so I came out with barely a slap on the wrist.

Personally..... divorced the cop. Things got bad, then worse, slightly better then in the toilet. Best decision by far. As is always my advice to others... go with your gut and you will never be wrong, Have remarried and now am the step-mom to 3 (yes count 'em) THREE crazy little boys who I love dearly. Unfortunately, I also recieved a slighly neurotic MIL and a biological mom who deserves to be in jail... more on that later I'm sure,

So as of now I am in the pedes ED, No patients. Sitting squarely between the cute new attending who is listening to classical music on her computer and the middle age pre-op tranny clerk who keeps blasting Rihanna and making overtly loud comments. What can I say? Its home.

Dr Rock is back in the area... GOD HELP US and has decided that he is a transplant surgeon now, (I say it again,,,, GOD HELP US) Lurch has made the transition from pain in my ass to hospital level administration. Which means he is even more of a pain in the ass, I'm back in school for my BSN (online.... )where I can work at 5am with a beer in my pajamas and the Christian university that MECCA is paying has no idea. Trying to decide if acute care NP or family is what I want to do.

As the tranny says.... patient out front. Time to do some work!