Its gonna be...

a fucked up night....

I usually don't blog from work. 1) don't have the time, 2) don't wanna get busted and 3) I use it as a way to decompress before I go to sleep. Tonight is gonna be one of those nights that if I don't record as I go then really good shit is going to be lost and I might end up saying some pretty inappropriate things and get shit-canned!!!

First and foremost this is an overtime shift. I came in at 2300 out of the goodness of my heart. There is also a 100% chance of snow tonight. In the south this means that the grocery stores have been emptied for several days and its full-blown panic time. I have seen nary a snowflake yet. I am also sitting in tragony with the WBL (Wandering Brownie Lady for those of you late to the party) and with one of her cronies who is always late, slow and takes hour long lunches in-between naps.

Drunk 24 year old, trying to impress a chick at a bar. Decided he would try to break a pilsner glass over his own head.... told me he does stupid shit when he's drunk. Told him not to steal Tyson's tiger and put him in the waiting room.
22 year old female "banked by some girls" (apparantly this means got her ass beat). The punched, kicked and otherwise fucked her shit up. They pulled her weave so hard that she is basically bald (!) and set her coat on fire. She was more concerned about the fact that her braids were fucked up rather than the fact that she had a 2 year old child with her when this happened.

We also have the stupidest security guard in the world workiing the desk immediately behind my triage room. I used to think that the jackass phone Nazi was the worst, but this is the female version that he trained. Talk about dumb and dumber! This bitch's whole job tonight is to control the main door to the ED. Essentially not let anyone in unless they are supposed to be there. Fire brings us a cardiac arrest. We know this ahead of time.When a squad comes through the first set of doors doing compressions you OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!

Ummm.... no...

They had to scream at her to open the door.

2 minutes later we get a drive up vomiting blood. One of the squads in the driveway throw her onto a stretcher and run her back... with the family (I use the word loosely) in tow. Lets just say there would be no way of confusing the family with EMS providers. The chick had on a spandex dress so short that I got the Ob/Gyn view, and the guy was dressed like he was in a rap video. Ems rolls in with the patient, family running behind. This security chick has learned to open the fucking door alright... and she just lets them all in. Then when I go chasing after she doesn't do a damn thing. I had to get the University police officer to go bring them back!
.... and yes, I've been here 2.5 hours. Its really gonna be one of those nights!

2010

Not trying to make excuses here, but I figure I'd better explain the long absence before the search party gets sent out. I'm sorry to report the slow and painful death of my old laptop with associated disappearance of the WiFi router. Its been a tough holiday season, but I think me and my new friend Mac will come out better for it!

So, insanity and drama have been the name of the game these past few weeks. That the best I can do to sum it up. I will try to include some of the more interesting characters, but unfortunately, some may be lost to the post-Christmas psyche.

A couple of gems from the "Shit You Can't Make Up" file:

Little old guy, brought it with PD under a TDO.  Told his little old wife that he was going to end it all. He has all those guns at home, ya know? So he comes  to us, calm, cooperative and cute as a button with the Urkel jeans and the Teamsters belt buckle that was as big as he is. Blood sent, no worries. He gets up to pee in the cup and has little success. "I had the surgery you know." Being super psych nurse I go to straight cath him.

There are some things that you should really know before you cath someone. Whether you need a mask? Whether you are going to go in and see little beady eyes looking back? Male vs female? Those are my red flags. well imagine my surprise when I found... no penis. Yup, thats right, no penis, but a big 10-4 on the balls. The doctor neglected to tell me that he had a penectomy due to penis cancer. (ok, ok, I thought it was bullshit too!) Me= sterile. Him=no penis. Whats a girl to do? Me? I asked..... "Dude, wheres the hole?" With a little direction, and nerves of steel I went looking and found said urethra opening... behind the balls! OMAA!!!! 900cc of urine later, demented teamster grandpappy bout himself a ticket to medicine vs the psych floor. I think they decided to hold the psych bed for me!

Same night, I'm still working the psych zone. EMS brings in a drunk white lady who was soooo in love with the "hot black police officer" that he had to ride with them to keep her from going off. She then decided she hated black people, stood on a stretcher, stripped naked and screamed the N word at the top of her lungs. (my least favorite word.... plus, NOT one you want to yell in an urban ED).

I had the misfortune of being in charge New Year's Eve. Last year it started slow and built into a frenzy after 12. This year it was off the fucking chain from 7pm on. At 1215 I had every ambulance in the city headed my way... not to mention most of the 4th police precinct and all the city EMS brass. I told the white shirts that if they were gonna keep watching us work I was going to find something for them to do!!!